Crazy Sensibilities

Note to Self

People don’t seem to recognize that there is huge strength in being alone. The power behind this is that you are not being moulded into someone you aren’t to please somebody else’s every need. There is secret peace behind being alone knowing that you have the strength to fight off loneliness instead of settling for comfortability. You are choosing to learn your own ways before you daringly learn someone else’s route. You are choosing to love and learn yourself before you offer your love and knowledge to one another. There is such strength and wisdom in finding stability and a peace of mind before you even think of putting your weight upon another human being. You are taking the time to fully understanding yourself before you have expectations of someone learning and accepting who you truly are. Being alone will give you the time you need to no longer be afraid to open up any doors you once closed. Being alone will make you realize who deserves a chance with what you have to offer. Be patient enough to know who you are in order to completely understand who somebody else is. I hope you start to realize the strength it takes to be alone and I hope this is a reminder how strong you truly are. Remain following the path YOU were given. For you are figuring out who you genuinely are and staying true to yourself. You are allowing someone to come along who will willingly love you for you without the pressure of being moulded into somebody you wouldn’t have chose to be on your own time. Always choose to have a healthy relationship with one self before you ever decide to have an unhealthy one with someone else.

I find myself feeling this gut-wrenching sadness. I think about things in the past and wish that I can go back there. I am terrified at how fast time seems to fly. I feel like I’m beyond help and it’s too little too late.
Today I read a Blog post by a dead man. Derek Miller seemed to be a good student of the dhamma. He wrote his last post just before he died, and asked his Family to publish it after he was gone. In the end, he was not sorry about his death or leaving this existence, but he was sad that he would not be here to help his children. Of course, my thoughts once again turned to the self. Am I ready to accept the impermanence of life? Am I ready to let go of my loved ones, and the reality that I will not be there for them? I certainly am not my dear friends. I have so much more to learn, so much more wisdom to be gained. Yet I also know that grasping for it is like sweeping a dusty garage with the doors closed. I have no guarantee of time left in this World, so I must be awake now. Yet grasping for wisdom only moves the dust around, and I see no more clearly than before. I can only see one solution for this moment, and that is one of acceptance. If I have sadness now, I need to be sad. It’s OK to be sad. Letting go of this, allows the next moment to arise. The door is open, the dust may blow out, and perhaps I will see a bit more clearly. And if I do not, I need to accept that as well.

2013

This year, I start again. 
This year, I’m not going to be sad.
This year, I have help.
This year, I have goals.
This year, I am loved.

This year, is a brand new year. And you know what? I’m not going to spend it in tears and reflecting on the bad things in life. No. Not anymore. I can’t go on as I am now. I don’t want to be in this place anymore. So this year, is the year everything changes. This year, is the year I get my life back.

What inspired me? 
Oh just this one, absolutely wonderful person I know. And to them I say,
Thank you. I cannot thank you enough. But I can promise you, I will do everything I can, to make you proud

When I was young I had this perception of love. I thought that love was never ending and that with love no problems would ever arise. I thought that love was a husband and wife with two kids and nice house with a fence and a dog in the yard. Then I grew up and  found that  love is so much more complex  than I ever could have known. Love is lonely at times. Love is depressing at times . Love can make you do things you never thought that you would. I fell in love and fell so hard that it felt like I had been hit by a truck. I told myself so many times that I would rather die than ever love again but as many times as I say that, it is like this burning desire and craving that will never leave me alone. As humans we are drawn to attraction. We are drawn to others and long for that feeling of love. Whether it is good or bad, healthy or not, we still long for it no matter what. The fact of the matter is that life or love isn’t easy and most times, it hurts but we still get up daily and push through. We must go through the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, to one day find the one you truly love.So I have found out the hard way that love is not some cookie cutter idea. It comes in many different ways and forms. In the end though, through the trials and test, we live ,we learn and we love.

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." - William James

I’m coming to a realization that all these questions and musings are pointless. They accomplish nothing - not even the understanding I so desperately seek. As I continually find myself in this dead end I just keep turning around and circling back only to hit this wall again. I’ve never been one to appreciate stupidity and yet I feel it is the only word to sufficiently describe what I keep doing to myself. It is just not so easy to let go when you’re not satisfied with the answer -which is really not an answer. It’s not so easy to let go when you don’t know if you really should or shouldn’t or how this will all play out in two weeks, two months, two years. It is just not so easy to let go.I have no safety net and that terrifies me. I have no safety net. If I jump so blindly, so faithfully into this darkness, I don’t know how badly I’ll get hurt if at all. I don’t know if there’s someone or something out there in the darkness that will save me. If I leap so boldly into nothingness with true faith, will I still be floating in mid air waiting for something to land on, holding my breath in expectation of something that may never come? I have no safety net, no surety and that terrifies me.

The past has a color and a texture and a breath which tomorrow doesn’t. There is only darkness and dreams and the unknown, which is everything and the only thing that I fear. Sometimes the past feels more comfortable because I know what is there. There will be no ugly surprises to devastate my will. I know what has passed and even in the tragedies there are no surprises. They’ve already happened to me. The future, however, inserts a tremor in my bones. The future is my unknown. There is no way to prepare. There is only the blind shuffling into darkness.I want to believe that someday somewhere there is someone for me who will forever pall the glow of these tainted loves. I want to believe that someday somewhere there is someone who will be there to comfort me truly, lastingly, with love. I want to believe that someday somewhere there is someone who will love me like I love them and we’ll create something unique, something spectacular in all of this. I want to believe so I hold onto dreams that may never be. I want to believe so I keep shuffling.


You know that feeling? When you’re waiting. Waiting to get home, into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be

strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re staying strong.

Papsy

Sixteen finds me
Blowing out candles and making wishes
And all around me
Is everyone but the one I’m wishing for
And he sent me flowers
And gift-wrapped excuses
From a daddy whose daughter
Wants to see him again

And I know, I know
It’s just another birthday
But I guess I thought
This would be the one
When he would call me, see me
Hold me and free me
But it’s just another birthday
And I’ll be fine

Eighteen finds me
And I’m wild-eyed and wide open
I gave myself away to love
But backseat promises fade like a mist
I’m screaming at the midnight air
Everyone hears me but I don’t care
My heart’s clenched just like a fist
'Cause, people, I didn't ask for any of this
And I’m not fine

In the company of strangers
And I don’t know what to do
Jesus, can You hear me
Come and heal my brokenness
Put the pieces back together
And be a Father to the fatherless

Twenty finds me
Blowing out candles and making wishes
And all around me
Looking back at all God’s brought us through
You are my happy birthday
And you were born to break the chains

Now I know, I know
It’s not just another birthday
'Cause I'm here,he's here
And look how far we’ve come
Since you’ve called me, saw me
Held me and freed me
Thank you, Lord, for another birthday
And we’ll be fine

Why are you going to college?

Interestingly enough, no one has ever asked me why I’m going to college.  Answering this question required a lot of thought. That’s good, I’ve heard thinking is good. I guess I could say that I’m going to college because I don’t want to work in a gas station. But that’s not what you want to hear. I could say that I want a good job that makes me money. But that’s also not at all what you want to hear. Both of those things are nice perks of going to college, but they’re not the Big Reason. I don’t think my Big Reason is what you had in mind either, but I’m not prepared to fit a mold yet. I’ll wait until I’m wearing pantsuits and blowing out my hair.

So. My Big Reason: I’m scared. I’m scared to go into the real world, naive as I am. I simply don’t know enough to pretend I’m a functional member of society (pretend is all anyone does. What’s a functional member of society anyway?). My brain is a green tomato. I’m not ready for the world. No one eats green tomatoes. There’s too much left to learn, about the world and… (WARNING: cheesiness ahead) myself. Blah Blah I have to discover myself and determine my true destiny and awaken my passions YAY. If I thought I was knowledgeable enough to be an adult in society, I probably wouldn’t be going to college. Well, maybe I would, so I don’t have to work in a gas station. I have also been doing some reflecting on the person I was before I started college and if that person will change after this year. Everyone says college determines who you become, but what they fail to mention is that the transition from high school to college is not easy. Being away from home for the first time, I’m scared if I will struggle to find my identity and to which ‘group’ I will belong.Questions like ‘Will I be socially driven to drink,smoke or abuse drugs’? scare me. I,for now, cannot possibly think of even succumbing to those pressures ,but when the time comes, will I be able to say a firm NO? I’m not so sure.

So Recap: I’m being scared into going to college. You may be thinking, “well she was right, that’s not really what we wanted/expected to hear.” But I have recognized that I have so much more to learn (and I am eager to learn it), so because I said “learn” twice in this sentence you should like my response. Is that how it works? I wouldn’t know because my brain is a green tomato.

To My FriendsDear friends, I say friends hereIn the larger sense of the word:Wife, sister, associates, relatives,Schoolmates, men and women,Persons seen only onceOr frequented all my life:Provided that between us, for at least a moment,Was drawn a segment,A well-defined chord.I speak for you, companions on a journeyDense, not devoid of effort,And also for you who have lostThe soul, the spirit, the wish to live;Or nobody or somebody, or perhaps only one, or youWho are reading me: remember the timeBefore the wax hardened,When each of us was like a seal.Each of us carries the imprintOf a friend met along the way;In each the trace of each.For good or evilIn wisdom or in follyEveryone stamped by each.
Now that the time presses urgently,And the tasks are finished,To all of you the modest wishThat autumn will be long and mild.
-Primo Levi

To My Friends
Dear friends, I say friends here
In the larger sense of the word:
Wife, sister, associates, relatives,
Schoolmates, men and women,
Persons seen only once
Or frequented all my life:
Provided that between us, for at least a moment,
Was drawn a segment,
A well-defined chord.
I speak for you, companions on a journey
Dense, not devoid of effort,
And also for you who have lost
The soul, the spirit, the wish to live;
Or nobody or somebody, or perhaps only one, or you
Who are reading me: remember the time
Before the wax hardened,
When each of us was like a seal.
Each of us carries the imprint
Of a friend met along the way;
In each the trace of each.
For good or evil
In wisdom or in folly
Everyone stamped by each.

Now that the time presses urgently,
And the tasks are finished,
To all of you the modest wish
That autumn will be long and mild.

-Primo Levi